Sunday, May 15, 2011
I am so upset about the words that she have said. It just reminds me that I am a pathetic poor guy that still exist on earth. Maybe is that I am selfish, or I am too narrow-minded, or I am too immature that I keep on thinking about enjoying myself.
But, how long have I really do something that is I LIKE, and not SHE LIKE. There are so many times that I would like to catch a movie, and I was told that the front seat is not ideal, the show is not interesting or shall we watch it on the web?
Many times, I would like to give her a surprise night, and I got "don't want, too expensive", "let's get something else", "can I choose something that I like?"
Is this all because that I don't have enough money?
I know you want a home, but can you put yourself into my shoe? I have yet step out to the society to earn myself a fixed salary for at least 3 months. Yet now you are putting so much stress on me, and on the other side, you are saying you will support on whatever I do.
You are forcing me to just start on a work that can earn me a home. I have to work for a home, not build a home. To me that's a house rather than a home. That's a building that you call home, not me.
To me, anyplace can call a home, as long as, I spent time building it myself. Not a place I have to rush to buy it. I understand your desire for a home, but you are putting too much emphasis on it that it starts to discomfort me.
Could you put me as priority instead? You will say you did, but think about it, is this what you want or what I want? I would like a home, but I would like a place that I have created. A place that I spent time building. Just like your birthday party, I take ownership to it. It's something that I have created, something that I would like to think about day and night. Not something that I am forced to do. Do you realise it? FORCE TO DO.
I have been argeeing to many of your request, I believe I have done a lot for you, and I am not saying you have done nothing. but could you think about how would I feel. Your words really hurts.
And please don't keep saying about the part of us getting intimate, and please think about it, who is the one enjoying more? I have to do it myself. Do you realise that I have not been asking you to do it for me? Please be a bit more fair, and decide for yourself if I have been thoughtful to you? If you say, you are doing it for me, and let's not do it anymore. I don't want you to do it for me and I am not been pleasured.
I also know you have done a lot of things for me, and I appreciate it. But how about you? Have you even appreciate it? The point that I have been paying for most of the stuff is when you are worried that you can't afford your poly education fees. That's when I started to secretly put money into your purse, pay for all the expenses and save up my own expenses. Do you think that everytime I am alone, I have to eat instant noodles or find any leftover food at home is very easy life? I could just step into any restaurant and have a good meal that might cost $50+ dollars. But I choose to have a meal that cost less than 50 cents.
All I want is to give you a good life, and I don't care how fucked up my life will be. Yet I believe that you will blame me for treating you that way and mistreating myself, and I believe that you will say that I have gave you too much stress and pressure. If you have that thought, please don't tell me, it will make me feel uneasy and unwilling to share anymore stuff to you. If you don't want to fully appreciate my effort then just shut up. I had enough, from now on, I wouldn't pay a single thing for you, and I will save up all my money to spend on myself. I have not been buying anything for myself since CNY. I think I should spend on something that will benefit me.
I feel that my life is so pathetic and I feel that it is time to change my life into a life that will let me enjoy what I should.
Jasonlee_ELF | 10:45 AM
Saturday, November 15, 2008
15 November 2008
Today was the ELF assessment day, and it will be the day that I find out what is the standards of ELF juniors. Everything went well till the last change over, when it started to rain slightly. After the whole assessment, we actually found out that ELF juniors still needs quite an amount of training. Although, it is shocked to see the results, the seniors actually found out the weak points of ELF juniors and we are able to focus our training after the assessment.
During the Review, the stupid boy (Me) actually did something stupid again. When I saw Poh Eng biting her own finger, I threw a pen at her! What a stupid thing that I will do! I just can't visualise how I am able to do this without me thinking of the consequences. Now I can only hope that Poh Eng doesn't get angry about it.
After the assessment, I brought ELF back to ELF room to help clearing up the room. At the walk back to the room, I felt very tired and weak while walking back. I eventually increase my speed so that I could reach the room faster, and it lead to Poh Eng chasing me thought that I emo. Once again, I did something very stupid again, causing Poh Eng to run and spoilt her sandals. I really find myself very cui!
After reaching the room, I went to take a short nap and let Peggy take over in organising everyone to clear up the room. After around 10mins, when I heard that Peggy is flooded with all the questions, I decided to wake up and help Peggy with the administration work. However, I found out that ELF was very united while clearing up the room when it is not in the schedule. I was so overwhlem by the things I see, when everyone was busy helping to clear the room and no one is slacking (except for me). This is something that I wanted to see long ago, and it is so touching and happy to see such united CCA when you are in it.
After that, when everyone decided to go home, I am still at ELF room doing the last touch up of the admin stuff. When Raine and Poh Eng was outside talking about Raine's problem, and hopefully the Raine feels better after talking to Poh Eng. Cause I really feel that Raine is facing a very big problem which she can't solve and I hope Poh Eng is able to help her out of it.
When Raine and Poh Eng decided to go out, they asked me along. I went along with them, and eventually Raine has been called by her friend and went off, leaving only Poh Eng and me.
In the end, Poh Eng and me went to Parkway for dinner and we went walking around in Parkway Parade talking nonsense all the way. It was really fun and relaxing, we even make fun of a lot of things. Playing around like as if two small kids is walking around the mall, and it was really enjoyable. It has been long, since I have been so happy going out.
Jasonlee_ELF | 9:21 PM
14 November 2008
It was TP CCN day, and my class decided to have a basketball game before going for the CCN Carnival. I enjoy playing with my classmates and they are really fun people to be with, although I still can't blend in into them. Yet, they still bring me along with them, which is very touching.
In the evening, I have a ELF Practical Assessment briefing for all my instructors that will help me in assessing my juniors for their performance. Just before the briefing, Poh Eng came to ELF room and actually bought me some food for my dinner. Furthermore, she bought my favourite 'EGG TART', I was like so happy when I saw the egg tart. The reason being that I can't find the egg tart when I was walking around during CCN Day.
However, when Poh Eng came, she has a very disturbed face and I can sense her feeling very irritated. I don't dare to talk to her, as she is also rushing to somewhere. So I sms her after she left, and she told me that she was irritated by her workplace. So I tried to comfort her, hopefully it will work.
When all my instructors (Raidah, Faezah, Peggy, JJ, Kama) came, and I started briefing them about the ELF Practical Assessment and about TP Rawks. After the briefing, I decided to go to ELF store to get some stuff prepared for the Practical Assessment. At this point, Raidah suggested that she goes to the library to print the notes that Faezah has copied, then I asked her to print the TP Rawks programme for me so that I could have a referrence.
After we reached ELF store, while talking, Raidah found out that she left my thumbdrive at the library and my house key is still attached to the thumbdrive. She immediately took a skate scooter and went to the library with Peggy. After awhile, Kama when off with his bag to somewhere, after a while Peggy called and told us to bring all the bags and proceed to Design school as Raidah fell of from the skate scooter.
When we reached Design School, we saw Raidah was badly bandage. I was so shock and begin to worry for her. I quickly ran out to the road and hire a cab to send us to the hospital, and when we reached the hospital, the doctor told us that she needs to stitch her wounds. At that moment, I felt very very guilty for what I have done. I shouldn't have asked her to bring my thumbdrive and help me print stuff, and if I avoided that Raidah might just be perfectly fine now. All because of my stupid idea that cause her to get injured. Sometimes stupid people just do stupid things.
During the whole process, Raidah wasn't crying and she stay very cheerful. This is what makes me feel even more guilty, as she is the one suffering from all the torture and I am the one who caused her to this situation.
After the whole thing ends, we send Raidah home and make sure that she is able to explain everything to her mum. I really feel very sorry about what I have done, and hopefully she will get well, if not, I will surely be guilty for life. Damn Cui la.
The day has been very cui, from the beginning till the end. Hopefully everything will go well.
Jasonlee_ELF | 8:49 PM
