Sunday, May 15, 2011
I am so upset about the words that she have said. It just reminds me that I am a pathetic poor guy that still exist on earth. Maybe is that I am selfish, or I am too narrow-minded, or I am too immature that I keep on thinking about enjoying myself.
But, how long have I really do something that is I LIKE, and not SHE LIKE. There are so many times that I would like to catch a movie, and I was told that the front seat is not ideal, the show is not interesting or shall we watch it on the web?
Many times, I would like to give her a surprise night, and I got "don't want, too expensive", "let's get something else", "can I choose something that I like?"
Is this all because that I don't have enough money?
I know you want a home, but can you put yourself into my shoe? I have yet step out to the society to earn myself a fixed salary for at least 3 months. Yet now you are putting so much stress on me, and on the other side, you are saying you will support on whatever I do.
You are forcing me to just start on a work that can earn me a home. I have to work for a home, not build a home. To me that's a house rather than a home. That's a building that you call home, not me.
To me, anyplace can call a home, as long as, I spent time building it myself. Not a place I have to rush to buy it. I understand your desire for a home, but you are putting too much emphasis on it that it starts to discomfort me.
Could you put me as priority instead? You will say you did, but think about it, is this what you want or what I want? I would like a home, but I would like a place that I have created. A place that I spent time building. Just like your birthday party, I take ownership to it. It's something that I have created, something that I would like to think about day and night. Not something that I am forced to do. Do you realise it? FORCE TO DO.
I have been argeeing to many of your request, I believe I have done a lot for you, and I am not saying you have done nothing. but could you think about how would I feel. Your words really hurts.
And please don't keep saying about the part of us getting intimate, and please think about it, who is the one enjoying more? I have to do it myself. Do you realise that I have not been asking you to do it for me? Please be a bit more fair, and decide for yourself if I have been thoughtful to you? If you say, you are doing it for me, and let's not do it anymore. I don't want you to do it for me and I am not been pleasured.
I also know you have done a lot of things for me, and I appreciate it. But how about you? Have you even appreciate it? The point that I have been paying for most of the stuff is when you are worried that you can't afford your poly education fees. That's when I started to secretly put money into your purse, pay for all the expenses and save up my own expenses. Do you think that everytime I am alone, I have to eat instant noodles or find any leftover food at home is very easy life? I could just step into any restaurant and have a good meal that might cost $50+ dollars. But I choose to have a meal that cost less than 50 cents.
All I want is to give you a good life, and I don't care how fucked up my life will be. Yet I believe that you will blame me for treating you that way and mistreating myself, and I believe that you will say that I have gave you too much stress and pressure. If you have that thought, please don't tell me, it will make me feel uneasy and unwilling to share anymore stuff to you. If you don't want to fully appreciate my effort then just shut up. I had enough, from now on, I wouldn't pay a single thing for you, and I will save up all my money to spend on myself. I have not been buying anything for myself since CNY. I think I should spend on something that will benefit me.
I feel that my life is so pathetic and I feel that it is time to change my life into a life that will let me enjoy what I should.
Jasonlee_ELF | 10:45 AM
